"Magical Pet" is the tent episode of Season 3 and the thirtieth episode of China, IL. This episode marks the Season 3 finale, as well as the series finale of China, IL.
While singing, Frank walks around campus, flirting with females, who scorn him despite his ignorance toward this. Meanwhile, Leonard catches his son dressed as Snow White, and Baby Cakes sings of his desire for a magical pet, claiming that all Disney princesses had one. Eventually, Leonard relents to getting one, and Baby Cakes promises that if they fail, he will die. Later, at night, Frank hits on Cindy, one of his neighbors, but his constant stuttering, combined with his negative reputation on campus, drives her away. Her comment damages Frank's self-esteem, and during a meeting at Town Bar, Baby Cakes tells about his magical pet, while Steve and Pony tease each other, thinking that the other only likes a certain person for his or her appearance. To prove themselves, Pony and Steve set up dates for their respective crushes; Pony prepares to date a food blogger, while Steve, a new bartender. Frank sees Cindy enter the bar, and Baby Cakes suggests that he ask her on a date. Before he can do so, however, Cindy warns that she is not interested in bald guys, and Frank thinks that it is the one thing he should fix about himself, confident she will date him if he fixes it.
At an adoption center, Leonard tries to get Baby Cakes a pet, but Baby Cakes is not satisfied with any suggestion due to him wanting a truly magical pet. Patience wearing out, Leonard tells his son to grow up, claiming there are no magical pets anywhere. Meanwhile, as Frank searches for a balding remedy in Chinatown, Steve and Pony prepare to date their crushes, Barb and Clint, respectively. To their surprise, Pony discovers that Clint is a cyclops, while Steve discovers that Barb is a satyr. Steve and Pony reluctantly agree to their dates, keeping their bet in mind.
At the Cakes residence, Leonard finds Baby Cakes in his room, suicidal due to his crushed belief as the man-child warned, and at Frank's apartment, Frank takes a hair pill, only to grow long hair all over his body. Reading the directions, he finds he needs to shave the undesired hair. Meanwhile, Steve and Pony meet in the history conference room, the former asking the latter about her date. Finding a picture of Clint, Steve sees Flint is a cyclops, then laughs as Pony verifies. When Barb enters, however, the laughter ceases, and Steve struggles to repress his true feelings about her as she converses with him. In musical form, Steve and Pony both insist they are the better person, each asserting they can keep their date longer.
Entering the "F**king with Animals" department on campus, Leonard sees the Dean harboring animals, ready to convert them directly to oil via specialized equipment. Seeing a depressed gorilla, Kei-Ko, Leonard offers to take her from the Dean to give to Baby Cakes, but Baby Cakes rejects it, claiming it is not magic, and remains suicidal. Meanwhile, sporting a head full of hair, Frank flirts with Cindy, but just as she shows interest in him, his body hair grows back. Any attempts to remove the excess hair prove futile, and the excessive hair growth will not subside for several more days, forcing Frank to hide until that time arrives.
In the woods, Frank hides here and finds more Bigfoot-esque men. Following a musical number explaining their situation, Leonard continues to no avail to appease Baby Cakes' want for a magic pet, then decides to travel to the woods. Meanwhile, Pony shares a drink with Clint, and at a mall, Steve buys clothes for Barb. Via a phone call, the history teachers insist to each other that they are staying with their respective dates for good in spite of their abnormalities. While the clothes Steve buys are intended to hide Barb's goat half, Pony has Clint split his uni-brow in half. Back in the woods, Leonard searches for a pet to give to Baby Cakes, but encounters Frank, still suffering from his excessive body hair. To keep Baby Cakes alive, Leonard takes Frank home with him, instructing him to act like Bigfoot so Baby Cakes will accept him. When Frank enters, Baby Cakes is instantly lifted from his depression.
In their apartments, Steve and Pony claim to one another that they truly love their respective crushes, both secretly editing images of their crushes to remove the oddities. To add interest to their wager, they agree to a double date, eager to see if true love really is evident. Meanwhile, in Baby Cakes' room, Frank converses with Kei-Ko, and Kei-Ko gives a musical number about her fear that she is the last gorilla in existence. Frank assures her there are still gorillas out there, and near the end of the song, both feel they will be better off in the world. Baby Cakes enters, telling Kei-Ko that she is going back to the Dean for fuel conversion, and Frank watches helplessly as Kei-Ko is wheeled away from the Dean and Baby Cakes warns he will return to being suicidal should "Bigfoot" be a hoax.
At Chilibee's, Steve and Pony prepare for their double date, but as Clint and Barb see each other, a conflict begins as they quickly recall each other. Meanwhile, Frank confesses his true identity to Baby Cakes, whose suicidal thoughts resume. Trying to cheer Baby Cakes up, Frank explains in musical form that there are no magical creatures but that simply being his friend is magical, and they need to save Kei-Ko, another one of his friends. As Baby Cakes' depression lifts, their plan to save Kei-Ko is put into action, and the foursome at Chilibee's encounter growing tension. Clint reveals he dated Barb until she cheated on him, and the exes fight.
Frank and the Cakeses run back to the F**king with Animals building, wanting to stop the Dean from converting Kei-Ko to oil. After futile attempts to tell him Kei-Ko is sentient, Frank bribes the Dean, and he stops Kei-Ko from reaching her premature death. Meanwhile, Pony and Steve exit the damaged Chilibee's, discussing the pitiful way their dates acted that destroyed the restaurant. They make plans to date more people, while the Dean has Frank and the Cakeses return Kei-Ko to the Congo. Returning from this trip, Cindy spots the still-hairy Frank, and Frank's hair falls off as he explains that he returned Kei-Ko to her habitat and saved Baby Cakes from committing suicide, losing interest in Cindy just before he returns to his apartment.
- During the beginning musical number of Frank singing about girls, one girl contacts "Pretend Person" to deny Frank the attention for which he thirsts.
- Cindy replaces Bobby as Frank's neighbor, while Barb replaces Jetta as Town Bar's bartender.
- During Frank's second song, Cindy evidently hears Frank's singing—she rolls down her blinds as Frank's musical number concludes.
- One of the cashiers at Perk-a-Boo Cafe was a worker at the Mayor's Church of Pizza. Before that, in "Best Face Forward", he was one of the workers at the UCI lunchroom.
- The movies Cindy has, Super Mario Brothel and Mr. Holland's Orifice, are references to Super Mario Brothers and Mr. Holland's Opus, respectively.
- Frank encounters a mogwai while in Chinatown. When told about this, Leonard regrets not going there.
- Pony and Steve are banned from Chilibee's due to their dates fighting.
- Ironically, more animals are converted to oil to get Kei-Ko to the Congo, including a raccoon who claims to be magical by typing on Kei-Ko's communicator. Kei-Ko's response is to toss it back into the vat.
- On July 20, 2015, this episode was confirmed to be China, IL's final episode to air.
- In Chinatown, one of the items for sale is a transparent dildo with two fighting betta fish inside of it. In the final scene, it's revealed that Cindy bought it.
- Leonard notes that Kei-Ko "speaks" in a Southern accent; this is a reference to Kei-Ko's voice actress—Cat Power—being born in the Southern United States.
- This episode was viewed by 1.1 million viewers.
- Although this was the thirtieth episode aired, it was the twenty-eighth episode production-wise. "Gummie World" was the final episode production-wise despite airing as the penultimate episode.
- At around thirty-six minutes and twenty-five seconds into the episode, the clock in Baby Cakes' room has numbers in one shot, but the numbers disappear in the next one.
- Baby Cakes: ♪All Disney princesses have animals.♪
- ♪In fact, they only have pets; they never have friends.♪
- Steve: None of these kids are really—attractive.
- Frank: ♪Crying with a hard-on is too muuuuch.♪
- Frank: There is my neighbor, Cindy. You guys can probably guess what I want to do with, to and on her.
- Pony: Really trying not to.
- Baby Cakes: I hate snakes! They're always shushing me. Come on; just take me to a rainbow. Maybe I can score an elf off an Irishman.
- Leonard: Grow the fuck up! Yes?
- Baby Cakes: I guess I needed to hear that. I am post-pubescent and all.
- Leonard: Good. And, yes, we passed that milestone a while back—barely.
- Leonard: He doesn't want pizza rolls? This is serious!
- Frank: [Hair all over his body] I just wanted a little on the top! Why did it go full-on Hugh Jackman?
- Steve: How—great and unexpected and against my wishes for you to pop by.
- Steve/Pony: ♪I'm a better person than yooooooooooooooooou.♪
- Leonard: Dean, what is this?
- The Dean: The talking monkey? I don't know. We got her from some now-defunct Japanese zoo. They're a dime a dozen. What isn't a dime a dozen are barrels of oil.
- Leonard: Japan? But her Southern accent...
- [The communicator reads "Accent: Atlanta."]
- The Dean: She was bred in captivity, doesn't know anything, costs too much to feed; I fucking hate this monkey. I can't wait to turn him into a few miles' worth of crude oil.
- Baby Cakes: That ape isn't magic, you fucking Dad!
- Baby Cakes: Dad, science isn't magic!
- Baby Cakes: Fuck this; I'm dying!
- [Leonard encounters Frank in the woods.]
- Frank: You fucking better have brought some trail mix!
- Leonard: Frank?
- Baby Cakes: There is magic in the world besides me!
- Baby Cakes: Stop bothering my magical Bigfoot, you worthless, pre-oil monkey! Oh, I can't wait for Dad to take you back to the Dean.
- Kei-Ko: [Via communicator] Wait. I'm going back? No!
- The Dean: Kei-Ko, it's time for you to be turned into oil, just like Mother Nature intended.
- [Kei-Ko is wheeled away by the Dean, and Baby Cakes will become suicidal if his "Bigfoot" isn't real.]
- Frank: [Inner thoughts] Do I keep a friend from dying, or do I keep a different friend from dying?
- Frank: If I were a Bigfoot, wouldn't I at least be bigger than you?
- Baby Cakes: I just thought you were a baby one.
- Barb: Dumb Clint, with his big, dumb temper.
- Clint: Shut up, She-goat, or I'll kill you this time!
- Barb: You don't have the balls, One-eye!
- Clint: I told you never to call me that!
- Pony: Let's pick up cute, normal drunk people with low self esteem.
- Steve: You read my mind.
- The Dean: You really are friends with that monkey; kinda warms my place where a soul was designed to go. Tell you what—I'll brew some oil to get you guys to the Congo.
- Baby Cakes: Oh, Dean, you're so magical for that.
- Kei-Ko: ♪I'll drink from a river now,♪
- ♪Then poop and pee right into the river now.♪
- Kei-Ko: Frank, you're magical no matter if you're gross-looking!
- Cindy: [Seeing Frank's excess body hair] Frank? What's wrong with you?
- Frank: [Groans] I have saved a fucking gorilla today, I also talked a very special idiot out of willing himself dead, and now, just because I'm too hairy in some places and too bald in other places, you can't find it in your putrid little heart to want to get to know me sexually? [Laughs sarcastically] What's wrong with me? What is wrong with you? I am magical!
Characters Appearing Edit
- Baby Cakes
- Battle Cat
- Flip Flop
- Food Clerk
- Hua Mulan
- Jack Black
- Officer Jacobson
- Snow White
- Sweater Beard
- The Beast
- The Dean
|Pilots||"China, IL: The Funeral" • Unaired Pilot|
|Season 1||"Rewind, Pause, Pay!" • "Dean vs. Mayor" • "Baby Boom" • "Coming Out of the Casket" • "Secret Society" • "Prom Face/Off" • "Frankensteve" • "Chinese New Year" • "Dream Reamer" • "Dean's List"|
|Season 2||"The Perfect Lecture" • "Is College Worth It?" • "Do You Know Who You Look Like?" • "The Diamond Castle" • "Kenny Winker Rules" • "China-Man Begins" • "Total Validation" • "Surfer God" • "Prank Week" • "Wild Hogs"|
|Season 3||"A Gentleman's Bet" • "Best Face Forward" • "Charlize" • "Crow College" • "Bi-Topping-Ality" • "Parent's Day" • "Displays of Manhood" • "Life Coaches" • "Gummie World" • "Magical Pet"|