"Life Coaches" is the eighth episode of Season 3 and the twenty-eighth episode of China, IL.
As the Dean gripes upon losing a checkers game with the Mayor, Steve tries to break up with Quimberly, his girlfriend of roughly two weeks. Later, in the history office with Baby Cakes and Frank, Pony points out the possibility of him, her and the Smiths being life coaches, i.e., giving advice to one another and pressuring the compliance of it. Later, when Steve gives haphazard advice, Pony assumes that it means she should check a therapist despite Steve trying to disprove her claim. Though she pretends to be taking it well, she voices her true, negative emotion toward this as she tries to counsel Frank. As a first step, she destroys his hoard house, hoping to make him be perceived as cooler than Steve as Frank requests.
Learning that Baby Cakes defecates in potted plants, Frank insists that Baby Cakes cease, but Baby Cakes claims that the defecation is necessary to keep a "horrible villain," i.e., the Easter Bunny, away from the school. Feeling the need that someone should take his place, Baby Cakes pressures Steve to take his place in this activity lest the Easter Bunny make an appearance. Meanwhile, after losing a game of checkers to the Mayor, the Dean sneaks into Matt's room and sedates him, taking his brain afterward. Entering Leonard's laboratory, the Dean evaluates the brain but doesn't find anything in Matt's knowledge that will help him with checkers. Meanwhile, Pony visits a therapist, speaking negatively of Steve, but the therapists feels this may be due to the death of her early husband and that she's not properly dealing with her grief over this. Exiting after her appointment ends, she advises Frank to get his hair cut and his beard shaved.
Steve proceeds toward a potted plant ready to defecate but then decides to use the restroom, certain that Baby Cakes won't find out as the Dean searches for potential targets whose brains contain checkers knowledge. Walking out, Steve finds the Easter Bunny appearing out of thin air, and when it sees a potted plant free from excrement, it runs amok around campus. At night, the Dean walks around, carrying all the brains he harvested and complaining that none of them contain anything that will help his checkers game. As the Dean harvests Quimberly's brain and gets the same results, Leonard creates synthetic brains for the victims of the Dean's brain spree. Meanwhile, Pony continues ranting about Steve to her therapist, but she's taken to a mental hospital when it seems once more that she's hiding her grief over her husband's death.
Frank visits the History Channel's headquarters, seeking a TV special under its name, but the interview is interrupted by the Easter Bunny, who continues running amok as Baby Cakes and Steve chase after it. Afterward, the Dean is informed that the checkers rematch with the Mayor is the next day. He reveals that he now knows checkers thanks to one person's brain—the Mayor's—and in a mental asylum, Pony's stay is interrupted by the Easter Bunny, whom she promptly attacks. Her exclamations show that, deep down, she really does grieve the loss of her husband, admitting that she married him too early in life, but still misses him nonetheless. Baby Cakes and the Smiths arrive to witness the attack and her confession, surprised faces all around.
In a canoe, the four carry the Easter Bunny, ready to dump it. Steve confesses to Pony that his real advice for her is to leave the school and town, and that the reason he didn't tell her is because he never wants to lose her. As she sulks, the others dump the Easter Bunny in the lake, and afterward, the Dean arrives with a mentally-handicapped Mayor, ready for the rematch. Baby Cakes and the Smiths go for a walk and see this game, and while Steve prepares to talk with Quimberly, the Dean is just about to make the winning move.
Jesus Christ descends from heaven, wondering where the Easter Bunny went as it's his friend. Following a white lie from Pony, who apparently is staying in China despite Steve's advice, Jesus prepares for departure to find his friend, but beforehand, he gives everyone affected their brains back and gives everyone on campus free food and drinks. As the Mayor wins the rematch due to this, Quimberly breaks up with Steve, overcoming her apparent mentally-challenged phase. Shaking it off as the Power of Christ, Steve notices Pony's decision to stay, and the two enter a skirmish as to whether or not friends should make decisions for each other.
- Frank mentions wanting a History Channel special, previously voicing this in "Baby Boom" and "The Diamond Castle". Here he visits the History Channel's headquarters following his makeover, but the Easter Bunny's rampage cuts the interview short.
- Pony is revealed to have a husband named Johnny who died. They married just after high school to her disapproval, as she claims to be relieved after his death, though she concedes that she misses him.
- After attacking the Easter Bunny, Pony claims "[she's] a brown widow." Whether or not this was a joke at the term "black widow" or a revelation of her last name remains uncertain.
- Steve evidently only dates women for two weeks, which explains his vast number of sexual relations from "Displays of Manhood".
- When the Easter Bunny begins his rampage, he runs past a bulletin board that sheds light onto the potted plants being defecated on as well as informing about a Dungeons & Dragons game. Continuity is illustrated when Pony is shown to be banned from the game, which happened in "Displays of Manhood".
- Frank is shown to be a hoarder until his hoard house is burned down courtesy of Pony.
- The events toward the end of the episode were foreshadowed in the beginning; most of the episode, except the last few minutes, is a flashback, the flashback ending with the dumping of the Easter Bunny.
- This episode pokes fun at Chris Brown's past involving violence toward women. A lie from Pony deceives Jesus Christ into thinking that Chris Brown is responsible for the Easter Bunny's death.
- Steve: Got to stop dating people for their looks.
- Baby Cakes: I try not to look up so I won't break the fourth wall of God's TV.
- Frank: Chris Brown is a cannibal who eats people in parked cars.
- Easter Bunny: Yes! Finally, there ain't no caca! This territory is mine!
- Steve: No! I screwed up—somehow.
- Easter Bunny: [Covering the school with its eggs] Territory marked! Territory marked!
- Quimberly: Organic?
- The Dean: Checkers?
- The Dean: Don't judge a brain by its cover!
- The Dean: [Scanning Quimberly's brain] No checkers? Is this a game that no one plays?
- Frank: You're still just a lobotimized Shrek.
- [The Easter Bunny rampages through UCI.]
- Flip Flop: [Artificial brain in action] Easter Bunny! [Laughs]
- [An egg hits Baby Cakes.]
- Baby Cakes: Steve, you dumb motherfucker!
- Pony: Thought police! Thought police!
- Steve: Frank! I didn't shit right!
- Pony: [Attacking the Easter Bunny] You die!
- Easter Bunny: Please stop!
- Pony: Fuck you! Fuck you! I will fucking kill you! [Screaming and tearing up] This world sucks—Easter Bunnies and dead husbands! Die, you fucking Easter Bunny—die like my dead husband; die like Johnny! I was relieved when Johnny died; I got married to him way too quick—I felt guilty for feeling like this for so long! [Pauses as she ceases her attacks] I do miss him, though.
- Baby Cakes: [Having seen the beating] Oh. She's a Chris Brown.
- Pony: No. I'm a brown widow.
- Matt: [Artificial brain in action] Checkers is dumb game!
- Frank: I cannot believe the Easter Bunny is real.
- Baby Cakes: Hey, sometimes a thing is; it just isn't to you.
Characters Appearing Edit
- Anne Hong
- Baby Cakes
- Chris Brown
- Easter Bunny
- Flip Flop
- God (mentioned)
- Jesus Christ
- Mr. Attack
- Mrs. Attack
- Stacy Megan
- Sweater Beard
- The Dean
- The Mayor
- Trouble Bubble
- White Angus
|"Displays of Manhood"||"Gummie World"|
|Pilots||"China, IL: The Funeral" • Unaired Pilot|
|Season 1||"Rewind, Pause, Pay!" • "Dean vs. Mayor" • "Baby Boom" • "Coming Out of the Casket" • "Secret Society" • "Prom Face/Off" • "Frankensteve" • "Chinese New Year" • "Dream Reamer" • "Dean's List"|
|Season 2||"The Perfect Lecture" • "Is College Worth It?" • "Do You Know Who You Look Like?" • "The Diamond Castle" • "Kenny Winker Rules" • "China-Man Begins" • "Total Validation" • "Surfer God" • "Prank Week" • "Wild Hogs"|
|Season 3||"A Gentleman's Bet" • "Best Face Forward" • "Charlize" • "Crow College" • "Bi-Topping-Ality" • "Parent's Day" • "Displays of Manhood" • "Life Coaches" • "Gummie World" • "Magical Pet"|